Tuesday, September 25, 2012

On Independence and Submission

(A discussion on a forum I had this week inspired this post)

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, His pleasure, His desire, His life, His work, His sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at His time, His bidding.”

-Anais Nin

As a young girl, I grew up with the knowledge that society looked down on women and as such, if I wanted to be respected, I had to be independent, tough, hold down my own and not give in to anyone's controlling ways. I ended up in a male-dominated career field and I became tougher, had to work extra hard to let my voice be heard. I became a strong, intelligent, focused and determined, courageous, ambitious, and outspoken woman who realised she also had a choice. I could be independent and submissive at the same time. I explored it and I love it.

Someone once said:
It requires a knowledge and understanding of self, am embracing of your compulsions, which might not be acceptable in mainstream society. It requires that you know who you are, what you want, and be willing to go beyond the limits and constraints society places on you.

I know I am a leader, I take charge and I have a commanding presence. Oh how I enjoy the power and control. I am outspoken, and everyone recognizes that and respects it. However, I want to submit to men of equal or greater power. I feel comfortable giving over the power to someone else and taking the secondary, submissive role.

I want to know that somewhere, someone has ultimate control over me, even when I’m at the highest leadership position at work making important decisions, controlling a big work budget, tweeting my free time away, or just generally hanging out with the girls. The control should be his, and everything that I am belongs to him and exists for his use according to his wants and needs. Scary revelation? I don't care. Ephesians 5:22 backs me up.

Now before the feminist movement comes after me, note there is a difference. I am not oppressed, no, I choose to be both Independent and Submissive. I am an intelligent, well-read, well-informed, woman of strength capable of rational thought. I know well enough that men still run the world and women are often our own worst enemies when it comes to power. I get ALL of that.

But I want to be Submissive. I want to ask my man, how can I make you happy? What do you need me to do for you? I want to be the one he relies upon to keep Him happy and his home well-taken care of. I want to give him power over me, a woman of strength, over to someone who equally enjoys being in possession of that power and control. I want a balance to exists between us that will create an intense intimacy generated from the high level of trust we must have for each other.

This I think defines me. This is who I am and I want to be. An independent and submissive woman.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Multi-Tasking Thursday


Unread BBMs, unanswered phone calls, Unopened emails and texts.... Crazy Thursday

I am being stretched.

Hey babe, my transaction didn't go through, can you call support?
Oh hi, I sent you an email, still waiting for reply.
Why the heck ain't you picking my calls?
Dear Rebirth, Don't forget, 6:30pm meeting tonight, be on time.
Send me credit please, busy and can't do it myself

*voices* *voices* *voices*

Why can't I be the one that needs all the help? I don't want to be the strong and go-to person again.
Wait, I don't know. I love helping people. I wan't to be the go to person. I don't know.

Maybe I am just acting out today because I am tired, sleep-deprived, mentally exhausted, hungry.

Or

Maybe It's because I met a guy, He is crazy about me, he tells me, his friends tell me. He is my Mr Perfect. I like him too....more than I should at this point. I want to push him away. It's too early. I don't want him to like me. I don't want him to give me expectations. I don't want to get hurt. Maybe we should take it slow.

Why is love so complicated?

p-s: If you pray, help say a prayer for my friend. I hate Cancer. I hate Chemo. I love my friend and I love her strength.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Discipline

They say discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. Explains why I'm yet to accomplish some goals I set for this year.

I was talking to an older friend last week, she brought up the issue of discipline. It hit me. I am very undisciplined. I start things and quit halfway. I set goals and forget about them.

Breakfast today, someone brought up the Cambridge diet. I said oh I want to try, my friend replied, you don't have the discipline. Ouch! People that see me for who I am.

Everyone sees that I lack a form of discipline. I want to prove them wrong.

RealSlim told me that discipline starts with things you can control. Best to sort it out internally before you attempt other things. I want to work on this weakness.

My biggest areas: Money, Fitness and Unfinished business.

I view money on a you only live once scale. What if I die today? I don't want to regret not spending money on myself. However do I really need that $1000 bag? Why not save more? Discipline to save.

After 3 weeks of Insanity, I lose the zeal to wake up an hour earlier than usual to work out. I make excuses. Discipline to keep exercising. Every little helps.

Project XYZ, first month of excitement, to do lists, plans, overall preparation. Lose the motivation and forget about it for another one year. Discipline to finish everything I start.

One step at a time. I need discipline. Started reading the book of Proverbs and seems it keeps emphasizing on Discipline.

Coincidence?

I'm on the quest to reorder my private world so as to ensure the public one is fit to present. It starts with discipline.

In pursuit of a disciplined self.