Epiphany

The last two weeks have been pretty difficult. I tried to keep up appearances in every aspect but I was secretly hurting, frustrated, stressed and generally fed up of being a young independent single lady. I say independent because I pay all my bills, rent, living expenses etc alone, cater to some of my family needs, try to prove in my male-dominated work environment that I am as capable as the next guy, and so many other things. Through all of this, I had a mini breakdown last week, and I rarely share such personal challenges with my family and friends, because they have this warped idea that I am strong and need no help. I eventually talked to my parents and brothers just to get their insight, and as usual my friend who has been my great brother to me in the last few years.

I casually joked that if I was married now, things won’t be this bad, at least I’ll live rent-free and also will not be frustrated with work because he will be there to listen to my rant. My friend, who has been married for a year now laughed and said, well you have a point. When you are married, there is that amazing support that comes with being with the right person. Make sure it exists before you settle down. This reminded me that after all, I had a similar breakdown over a year ago and even though I was in a relationship then, I did not get any emotional support or care from the then boyfriend. It was a disastrous relationship and I am still trying to forgive myself for getting into it.

In reality, I will always be this driven, passionate, but sort of undisciplined mess of a person. I will always struggle and work hard for things. I will have moments of triumphs, successes and failures and the list of things I need to do or change will get longer every day! Also I’m still trying to figure it all out, one minute I want to quit my job and follow my dreams, next minute I want to stay. I have a long way to go and having a boyfriend won’t change any of that. I used to have this notion that a boyfriend would validate me and make me better but I looked back at my last two relationships and realized they didn’t make me any finer, smarter, cooler, or nicer. They didn’t give me that support I think it’s required for companionship.

I know sometimes we have to wait for someone who “gets us”, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with who we are. As someone once told me, A diamond is beautiful and precious long before it is discovered. I have realized that as much as I eventually want that love and companionship, I don’t need it to complete me because I can do bad all by myself (h/t Tyler Perry). This means there’s a good chance I can always handle whatever life brings my way alone and when the time is right and I find that someone that “gets me”, we will be perfect for each other.