Sunday, May 22, 2011

Unfriendly Friends





The past few weeks have seen me make a lot of changes in my life: all aspects of my life. Physically: I started the insanity workout (it's harder than it sounds), spiritually: started a new uplifting daily devotional by Rick Warren (thank God for you version app), mentally, socially etc.

I hate to sound big headed or superior but i think i'm a pretty cool friend. The one that would rather go hungry and let you have the last food at home. I'd bend my back over just so my friends can be happy, some say i am a people pleaser, others say i let people take advantage of me. I don't know if i agree, because i do not do these things for selfish reasons. It's just the way i am.

One major change was cutting contact with a female friend of 10years. She hurt me deeply and despite so many times that I'd heard people tell me that she didn't have my best interest at heart, I remained friends with her till I couldn't take it any longer. Hoe can someone who claims they are your friend tell whoever is willing to listen every damn personal thing you tell them.

Over Easter holiday, I went home and a lot of things happened dramatically that had her at the root. It was plain obvious she either hated me or hated me. I am a total woman's woman and hate to see how we bitch and back stab each other. I will not take sides with a guy over a lady unless i am so sure of the situation. It's either i'm on the girl's side, or i stay neutral. That's me, i like sticking with my sisters. A lot of drama went down, involving random people i would never have dared talk to. All sorts of trash were said about me (are still being said about me), tweets were being stalked, communication with a good friend of mine monitored. oh it was so messy! i don't do messy! So i confronted her, her defensive response put everything in perspective, it was time to cut her off.

Looking back, various instances that information about me 'leaked', I always wondered where it came from.........everything became clear.
Till today, I wish I knew her thoughts or her rationale. Did I ever do something to her in the past unknowingly and that's why she acted out? I don't know. Since I cut contact, I've felt peaceful. I hold no grudge and if we see outside, we will definitely say hellos.....after all we have a lot of mutual friends together.

One lesson I learnt is people are in my life for a reason. It's either they are adding, or subtracting. No one is without a purpose. I evaluated the years of friendship with her and I noticed that she was not adding. The friendship was deadweight. I didn't lose anything cutting it off.
We don't have to cut people off by holding grudge, identify the deadweight friendships in your life, no sentiments. Don't think because some friends have been in your life forever they mean you well. The reverse is sometimes the case. During the whole drama, one thing that stood out from all I heard was 'because she is now doing well, she thinks she's better than all of us'....... It saddens me as I wish nothing but the best for all my friends. I get so excited when I hear great news and people doing well, I am not in competition with my friends, there is enough room for everyone to shine.

This experience changed me greatly, it removed a bit of the people pleaser in me and made me tougher. I reduced my making excuses for bad acts from people. It's still a process, i am getting there

I take friendships seriously and i expect anyone that i call my friends to do the same, hence why after 13 years, my best friend is still the same. I can count on my left hand the people that i am bold to say hey, that's my real friend.

My advice, identify your unfriendly friends, it will save you a lot of hassle and your life will be peaceful. As I always say, the people you surround yourselves with determine the limit you will go in life...... Disagree? Prove me wrong....

Have you had any unfriendly friends? How did you deal with them? Share in the comments, I want to learn.....

10 comments:

  1. wow. sorry to hear about the girl drama hey.. there's nothing as hurtful as a backstabbing friend. I've had my fair share of girl drama. In high school, my closest friend started stirring up rumors about me within our circle of friends (we dnt talk anymore), and one of my friends accused me of doing "under G" runz with her guy (long story). I was so hurt cos these two girls were two of my closest friends. I dnt jump into friendships easily anymore :(

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  2. Wow.. damn gurl. but honestly - less female friends less drama.

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  3. and one thing ive learned is not sharing ur secrets/goals/plans etc with your so called friends... once upon a time i trusted 'friends' a lot, a close friend "surprised" me and since then, ive been riding solo.. and i tell u life has never been so good. Dont get mewrong, i have friends who i honestly give a toss abt and will defend them have their back n all... but i knw where to draw the line.

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  4. I am the same way, darling!
    I actually once had to "break up" with an unfriendly friend!

    xoxox,
    CC

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  5. it hurts when friends we love try to bring us down, oh well, we learn everyday. I have a story, but sharing would only make me feel bad and like i'm still holding on to the past.

    But i'll say this, just like gyming, we shed off some people to make the weight of life lighter and the climb more pleasurable. take a deep breath, and keep walking.

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  6. women...sigh this is why I have one female actual friend. the rest are male. I don't do drama

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  7. @ Kit Kat: Girl, i feel you. i wonder why we women always choose to backstab each other....sad

    @Licious: true...less drama. we should always be quick to identify those who don't wish us well

    @ CC: glad you did....i've learnt my lesson

    @ FQ: the climb is sure getting more pleasurable.... :)

    @lohi : i feel you,my male friends bring me no drama at all....i think the drama they even bring me are from their female friends. hahaha

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  8. Whoa. I LOVE this post.

    I have a Pastor who constantly tells us the exact same thing, not to be too sentimental, if a friendship is sucking you dry cut off. The second you do this you feel lighter, less stressed out, happier.

    Girl, you need to spread the word!

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  9. sorry :( This was quite sad to read and in some sense I related to it. I struggle with good friends too.

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  10. i dont really have lots of friends, maybe 3 close ones.....

    pele...at least you have cut her off!!!!! brave move

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